THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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