1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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