Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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