i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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