i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
