I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
