what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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