I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
