**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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