I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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