i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
