I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Operation Purity has been aborted
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
