I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
