I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
