She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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