u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
