you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
