guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Your cock deserves a montage
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm both gender and math confused
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
