My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
