god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
