Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
