Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
