1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
