The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
