she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
