The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
