He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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