I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
