I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
