Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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