Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
3 2 1 whiskey
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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