i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
