When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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