last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Randomize
