mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
