Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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