Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
