Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
