worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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