In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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