i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I AM VODKA MAN
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
