I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
