I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
