420 ftw
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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