Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
