You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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