Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
