You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
