he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
