i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
