You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
