he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
