They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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