life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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