Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
whose ass print is on the piano?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
