she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
