I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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