fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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