Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Randomize
