My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
