why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he thought i was a dude.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
