You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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