i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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