Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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